White Knuckled

I had a day yesterday.  Yea, I know, most of us had a day yesterday, but I had one of THOSE days.

I will confess, I can be a bit of a pile-it.  Hey, it’s my filing system until I take the time to actually FILE things. I’ve been waiting on another developer to provide information so that I can finish a project so decided while I waited that I would take time to get thru the ‘piles’ in my office (college piles, AP testing piles, bills, annulment papers, magazines, etc.).

As I was opening bank statements and such and filing the contents, I came to what I thought was my son’s financial aid application confirmation.  I had completed it online, and thought I had crossed all of my t’s and dotted all of my i’s so hadn’t opened it.  Turns out, I needed to provide more information.  ACK!!!

I typically handle stress pretty well, but I was immediately sick to my stomach.  It wasn’t just that I had to get some ‘business’ taken care of, it was also that I felt stupid and like a ‘bad mom’ for not opening the envelope.  (I’m really good at the ‘Gina beats Gina up’ game.)  I have no doubt that my hormones and other little ‘life stressors’ were giving my anxiety a ‘power boost’ but the bottom line is, I was in a bit of a panic.

Then, I hear that still small voice. (Yea, I hear voices. Feel free to suggest that I get committed.)

“Be at peace, my child. I’ve got this.”

My reply: “REALLY? Because it doesn’t feel like you’ve got this.”

Welcome to your very own “Jesus sleeping in the boat” moment I thought to myself.  [Mark 4:35-41] Here I am, panicking at the STORM I feel that I’m experiencing, and it felt like HE was sleeping.  Until, that is, I hear His voice.  “Be at peace.”

I began taking deep breaths and asked myself, why am I so fearful? How is it that I have so little faith?  Yet, I still continued to hold on so tight to my anxiety that, if they existed, I surely had emotional white knuckles.

Finally, I remembered that my son had a therapy session that day and that I could borrow a few minutes from his session to touch base with the therapist.  And then I remembered that I was having dinner with a sweet family friend that I adore.

I loosened the grip I had on that anxiety and started counting my blessings.

Even when I have no faith, God is faithful.  [Lamentations 3:22-23] How cool is that?!

One Response

07.25.12

There isn’t a thing we can do to change God. Even though you had emotional white knuckles your BEING was/is still intact perfectly complete. Sure doesn’t seem like it when we run into those kinds of panic modes though. Sounds like you “let go” and of course let that still small voice guide you and just “BE”ed or reflected Him. just my thoughts……I love how your blog unfolds from fear to peace!!

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